The Pancar Poem

[Read on my and Wikan’s Forest Wedding Reception on July 23rd, 2016.]

Loving you is like taking off my glasses
I have some ideas about what’s in front of me,
(Is that a small table? A colorful umbrella?)
But I never really know know like the way I know two plus two,
Because I know know that that’s four even when my eyes are closed.
(Except when you get all Rozinesque and it becomes five.)

Loving you makes me feel like a tree.
Sometimes I have to lose a leaf or ten,
Break and burn a couple branches,
But over the changing seasons,
My trunk grows tall and my roots deep,
Keeping me grounded while reaching for the sky.

You see,
People love talking about how love starts
(or ends, but we’ll talk about that later).
“Where did you guys first meet?”
“How was your first date/first sex/first time meeting his parents/
first whoa how did that escalate so quickly?”

But it never really is about how it starts—
How you first meet, first date, first have sex, first meet his parents.
It’s about everything else that happens in between.

It’s about the subtler checkpoints,
The minutes, microseconds of when love expands—
Of when love shrinks
Of when love stretches back,
bigger than ever before.
It’s about everything else that happens in between.

You thought you either love someone or you don’t.
But love is stuck in this fourth dimension called time,
And in that relative line,
There’s fifty shades of love.

Like the kind of grey when you ‘forgot that you love someone’.
Like the kind of grey when you love but hate them a little.
Like the kind of grey when your ego gets in the way.

Loving you, is a wordplay.
Because you make me
Love despite your weaknesses, but also
Love because of your weaknesses.

Love in when I’m weak—it’s midnight and I was crying in my bed.
Love in when I have to be strong—
it’s midnight and you were crying in the shower.
Love in when we were there for each other.

In the softest kiss and the passionate ones.
In sleeping next to you driving the car on a long ride home.
In driving on a long ride home and have you sleep next to me.

Love in grasping for a u, n, d, e, r, s, t, a, n, d in your everyday scrabble.
In trying to meet halfway,
With you, I don’t need to be perfect and admired.
I feel okay to be ugly and accepted.

If there’s a limit to love,
I want to love you to the fullest,
And I’m still trying every day.

There’s no days in the past when I love you more than I love you today,
But I want to be able to say this every day.

Some people don’t understand what love is,
Some people won’t understand what this is,
But that’s okay,

Because if there’s a limit to love,
I want to love you to the fullest,
And I’m still trying every day.

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